A Letter From Within the Wildfire

I found this journal entry from right around the time that I began experiencing odd nerve pain in my torso. I initially thought that I had shingles but no break out of rash followed, so that theory was eliminated. It was a little more than four months until I knew that it was a more aggressive Lymphoma than what I had been living with for seven years. Here's a peek at my journey through the wildfire...

18 December 2019

I am sitting here, a sentient being 

I am aware that in light of all the things that I have learned in life, all of the practices that have served to bring light and life, I have entered a season where none of this knowledge, none of these practices are able to bring about the life that I desire. 

Perhaps I’m in a wilderness, perhaps the hidden physical ailments of cancer and auto-immune disorders are more active in my body and are secretly spiriting away my true essence. 

I do have some daily delights that make me aware that I am capable of feeling them. One in particular is holding my eleven month old grandson. His personality and his curly hair are both sprouting in the cutest ways. When I hold him, these tiny curls brush my cheek. When I enter a room and he sees me, his face lights up, my heart melts and somehow I know that I am still a fully sentient human being. I am breathing still. And if i take note, my body is pulsating silently, my hands tingling and my mouth still enjoying the recent sip of hot chai tea. 

There is much I should be doing today on my day off from work. But I am allowing my soul to become present. I’m still in my fuzzy robe and drinking a third cup of tea. 

It feels a little like the wildfires that go through a forest to cleanse and renew. I am allowing them to burn and resting amidst the blaze, in hopes that tomorrow I will be able to approach life from a renewed place.

It is lovely to read this entry from a perspective of having thrived through the fires of yesterday. I am not naive enough to believe I will never experience a "wildfire" again. But I am enjoying such a lovely reprieve from such things. I had the first holiday season in a decade without debilitating fatigue and flare-ups of inflammatory pain. How glorious! I am moving forward with gratitude flavored with deep joy.